Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Losing a friend.

This past weekend, I lost a friend.  Not to death but distrust.  He's been going through a lot lately.  He's hurting and angry.  He turned his anger on me.  I didn't do anything wrong.  When he showed his anger, I tried to assuage it with the truth of the situation as I saw it.  I apologized for hurting him unintentionally.  I begged him to believe and understand me.  I threw myself at his feet.  I drove 3 and a half hours to go see him and try to make things right.  On the trip, I broke my new car.  I took my only free day to see him. 

What I received in return was more anger.  He screamed an inch from my face.  He grabbed me by the shoulders and threw me out of his way.  He threatened to take me to the police or to file a complaint.  I begged him to give me five minutes, but he told me that he didn't owe me five minutes.  The whole confrontation took minutes.  At the end, I said, you're on your own.

As I process this situation, I have to recognize that I didn't know this man as I thought I did.  I didn't know that he could be so closed off.  I didn't know that loving him didn't entitle me to five minutes of his time.  He said before, "Come by ANYTIME" but it was a lie, just like everything else.  He wanted complete control of the situation.  He refused to share any of the responsibility. I would be shocked if I ever heard from him again, since he is so right.

When I am with somebody, as friends or lovers, I have a responsibility to them.  To love them, and to hear them, but I should get the same in return.  I get to make mistakes.  EVEN IF I DON'T PERCEIVE THAT I MADE A MISTAKE.  I should get to fumble through life and figure things out.  Ask for forgiveness and understand what I did wrong. 

And I am OVER people who are unwilling to admit when they are wrong.  I am OVER IT.  What is it with people who are so damn pig headed that they can't apologize or communicate.  TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT.  I would LOVE to be a mind reader, but I'm not.  I never promised NOT to love people.  I never promised not to communicate with people. As a complete aside,  I never promised not to love SEX with the people I love.

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